The Pursuit of Happiness (Geek Edition)

Hooo-weee biochemistry is kicking my butt! We’re already 10 days into this beautiful month and I have barely had time to even think about a blog post! My new lab occupies a large chunk of my time hoard, and by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is read a chapter. Needless to say, I’ve fallen behind – but I’m catching up. Who needs sleep anyway?

The real reason for this post, ladies and gents, is doubt. Doubt is a soul sucking leech upon the soul of defenseless graduate students. It makes us weary. It makes us weep. It makes us stop by McDonalds and grab an application mere seconds after deciding that flipping “beef” burgers all day is WAY better than pursuing  a masters or a PhD. I like to call doubt the silent dream killer. It’s very difficult to know when doubt has infected your life. It’s even harder to distinguish it from genuine unhappiness. This is the problem I find myself running into every single day (cue tiny violin).

For the past few weeks I’ve found myself questioning my desire to pursue science. If you were to ask me if I loved biology, I’d say yes. But the real question is do I hunger for it? I don’t have a periodic chart for a shower curtain (though I am actually the proud owner of a Virginia Tech Hokie edition periodic table- scaled down to fit in my wallet).  I don’t have a cancerous tumor painstakingly stenciled onto my ceiling (because, let’s face it, that’s creepy) nor do I have every amino acid tattooed on my inner arm (mostly because I’m sure that violates an honor code somewhere…). What I do have is a never-ending headache, a bed that serves no purpose because sleep is a foreign concept to me these days, and an incurable case of what may or may not be doubt. 

 I came to graduate school because I wanted to teach at the college level and beyond. I find myself making up lesson plans, coming up with ways to keep students engaged, lab experiments that I think students would love. I find myself critiquing my current professors teaching styles and trying to use what they do to make myself a better teacher. I want to teach. I want to mentor. I want to someday influence educational policy so that it benefits our students.  But, at the end of every day, I ask myself if science is necessary for me to do that.  It could be that I’m just stressed. It could be that I miss my boyfriend and my family and friends. It could be anything.

If any of you out there find yourself feeling like this – ask yourself if you could honestly wake up every day for the rest of your life and face science (or politics, business,  or whatever your chosen field may be) like it’s the best thing since stripper poles in the bedroom.  Whatever your particular situation may be, you have to try to stop and take a deep breath and deeply examine your situation. Determine if you are just slightly depressed or if you've chosen the wrong path for yourself.  If you’re currently enrolled in the first year of your program, give it until the end of the school year.  If you are considering graduate school, take the time to really examine why you're considering it. Talk to graduate students about what life is like and ask them to be honest with you about everything - the courseloads, advisor/student interactions, free time - EVERYTHING. Whatever path your are choosing or considering switching to, expose yourself to it. If you want to be a writer, take a creative writing class. If you want to professor - shadow a professor for a day and ask them about the work that went into making them a professor. Whoever or whatever you want to be when you grow up - attempt to expose yourself to it. 

As always, you should talk to someone about how you feel before you make any committed decisions. The best way to rid yourself of dark and gloomy thoughts is to expel them. Talk to a counselor, a mentor, a friend and get your thoughts out – the good and the bad. Remember: no one can make this decision for you. Not a parent, not a friend, not a significant other. At the end of the day you have to wake up every day and face the consequences of the decisions you’ve made – good or bad. Good consequences are otherwise known as achievements. When you accept the honor for them, do you want to say, “my Mom made me do it,” or do you want to say “that was ALL me. I’m me-tastic.” This is YOUR life. Maybe you should live it. 

I am personally waiting until May 2011 to make any final decisions. Who knows? Maybe one day you’ll return to my site and find a woman that calls herself SciFiGeek or CancerBioGeek or just Geek.  It's just grad school, it isn't the end of the world. If I stay, I stay. If not, well then...HELLO STARBUCKS!

The key here is happiness. It always is, and it always will be. It is not in the pursuit of it that we prosper. It is in the ownership of it. The experience of it. And the desire to have it forever in our lives.  

I leave you with 2 quotes. I’m feeling particularly quotey today:

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

“Every time we choose safety, we reinforce fear.” – Cheri Huber

I am all out of clever titles. I will call this one "&?"

It’s yet another late evening for me, but the urge to write about grad school permeates my every thought and that thirst must be quenched before I meet the sandman.  Graduate education is, surprisingly, a hard earned lesson in politics, which is not something I’m good at if you have not noticed.  I’ve become privy to a few observations made about my character over the last few days. To sum it up: I’m unapproachable; lacking in confidence as a scientist; possibly flippant (I believe that was the particular word chosen); and maybe a few other things that I’ve yet to be informed of. (Cue deep inhalation.) Really? Me? Flippant? Ha!

 I’m a first year graduate student who has been inundated with a constant barrage of articles, books, discussions and presentations that remind me every single day of just how much I do not know.  I approach everything that I do with an honest perception of the knowledge I possess and that which I do not, and how that will benefit or hinder me. I think being unsure of one’s current abilities comes with the territory. I’ve got a lot to learn and I’m prepared to do it. But if I don’t know it, I don’t know it and I’m not going to pretend like I do.  I came to grad school because I wanted to expand upon my pool of knowledge. When in lab, it is my purpose to absorb as much as possible and be taught. I contribute when I can, but, for the most part, I want to make sure that I don’t mess up thousands of dollars worth of materials and waste anyone’s time, least of all mine. (Time is a hot commodity for any graduate student. You must hoard it like a dragon and claw out the eyes of anyone that tries to take too much of it. Or, you could use your lab time to create a 28 hour period. Your choice. )

I had no clue how to respond to being told that I lack confidence and am seemingly standoff-ish, so I said nothing…well, as much “nothing” as I’m capable of saying.  I’m not sure I can respond without somehow alienating someone that could potentially hold sway over my graduate career. It is very difficult knowing how sensitive some people are to blunt honesty.  The last few days have shown me that people hear what they want to hear, no matter how careful I am with my word choices. I worry how many times I’ve “offended” a peer or professor or lab mate because I wasn’t enough of a politician.  Unfortunately, these minor things could morph into major, life altering issues. I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s happened – just look at our government or consider the recent media storm surrounding Juan Williams, former host on NPR.  Be careful of politics. You don’t have to play the game to be aware of it.

I’ve come to realize that for many scientists, perception is reality and, let’s face it, you can’t really call yourself a scientist if you don’t gather data, analyze it, weigh the evidence and THEN draw a conclusion.   So, audience, when you get to grad school (or are currently there trying to swim against the riptide), just remember who you are and try to stay true to that. Remind yourself every day of why you chose graduate school, and don’t let anyone’s “evidence” negatively influence you and detract from who you are at your core.

I am aware of who I am and what I am capable of, but maybe my sense of self-importance isn’t inflated enough for grad school.  Ah, well. Maybe in a few years I’ll be the pompous, arrogant bastard I’m supposed to be, but today, I’m just Neurosciencegeek. I can be honest to a fault and sarcasm is literally listed as second language on my resume.  I get excited when my boyfriend calls. I post in front of my television to watch Glee every Tuesday night. And I’m trying my very best not to drown in the flash flood that is grad school. I do not wear confidence on my sleeve.

I leave you with this quote: “That which yields is not always weak –“ Jacqueline Carey

Misery...meet Company. I think you two would like each other.

So much has happened since I last wrote, but, yet, so little. The euphoria I experienced upon arriving in West Lafayette has long since evaporated and been replaced by little sprouting seeds of doubt. The semester is half over, and already I am tempted to call this journey done. I have been told on multiple occasions at this point that I am “supposed” to feel this way and that there are “many” others out there that feel the same as I. In all honesty, how does that help me? How does knowing that there are other graduate students out there that are just as miserable as me make me feel better? From that perspective, it actually makes me feel quite a bit worse.

I’m going to employ a tactic relatively unknown in this country and speak the truth. I know – it’s shocking. I beg you to read on, and to ignore the fear that that 5 letter word incites in you. I would like to be open and honest about how graduate school is affecting me for many reasons, the chief of which being that I feel that my peers are not being honest with anyone – including themselves. I also believe that if this blog is truly to be used to help anyone out there, even just one person, that I need to be honest about everything. So here goes…

I am doing very poorly in my courses. Some days, I can barely make sense of the articles I have to read for lab. Some days, my spirit is too defeated to even care. There have been days where I felt that I was not smart enough to be here. Not smart enough to contribute anything of note to intellectual discussions regarding lab experiments or legitimate scientific articles read for class. And I wonder, how in the hell did you make it out of undergrad? In addition to that, I wonder why the hell my undergraduate professors are even allowed to call themselves teachers. (Well most, not all.)

I am lonely. I miss my family so much sometimes just hearing a sad musical note in a song brings on the waterworks. I went home to visit my boyfriend and our friends in early October. I am sure I had what my boyfriend would classify as a nervous breakdown, and it was an internal struggle to put myself on the plane to return to what I now adamantly refer to as “Hell.” I’ve already written about the diversity in my program, but my loneliness is the result of more than just that. Are there no scientists that read poetry or science fiction? I’ll even take someone that’s read ANY classic novel and be happy with that. Is there anyone for me to talk politics and/or race relations with? Someone that likes to travel? That likes beaches? So far, the answer is a reverberatingly loud and emphatic – NO.

I am told that this is how I’m supposed to feel. That I am a first year graduate student and that’s just “how it is” during the first year. It seems to me that the status quo is not sufficient, to say the least. But, I am here. If they didn’t think I was capable of handling this program, they wouldn’t have extended an invitation to me to become one of the elite Boilermakers. So, at the end of the day, I have to remember and remind myself of that. I have to take the drive and initiative that I displayed in undergrad and double it. I have to lean on the shoulders that are offered to me, and take help wherever I can get it.

I’m sorry that I don’t have a better or more inspirational message for you, dear readers, but this is me being open and honest about my state of mind at present. Right now, there isn’t any light at the end of the tunnel. But maybe when I wake up tomorrow there will be. Graduate school is not easy, nor did I think it would be, but it is up to me and only me to maintain my status here and recognize that the knowledge that I do not possess in this moment will come in time. Everything takes time.

I can hear you screaming “Wait, what? That’s it!?” Don’t worry your pretty little head. I’ve ALWAYS got time to share. Do not be afraid to employ the resources available to you at your institution when you begin to have feelings such as these. They are there to help you. They want you to stay and, what’s more, they want you to be happy. My resource told me today that “graduate school is only a blip on the grander scale of life,” or something very similar to that. In short, when you start feeling like this (and thank God if you never do), remember that you can do it, that you are worthy and that you have the power to pull on some steel toed boots and kick that PhD’s mighty vociferously pompous ass. Smile while you make grad school your bitch and focus on the life you want to lead after graduating. What’s the worst that could happen? You fail. Then you get back up, dust yourself off, laugh hysterically when you realize that the seam in the ass of your pants split when you fell, and try again. I’m in the process of sewing said seam back together. I’ll try again when I’m done.

Reading is “for”damental…

I am so SICK of reading. Which, if you don’t know me, is saying a lot. It’s a travesty, if you will. I love to read. I read just about anything I can get my hands on. I’m the girl that spends her summers reading classical novels. I read Les Miserables, for fun, and loved it. I fully intend to read it again. But, as I sit here in my lab reading yet another snorool (that’s snore and drool together folks) inducing article, I can’t help but whip out ye olde blogge and vent my frustration. Do scientists have to be so terribly dry? I’ve been reading an 8 page paper for 1.5 hours now. I’m sure I’ve fallen asleep at least 3 times. I tried blasting rock music in my ears to keep me awake – didn’t work. I tried reading the paper out loud to myself – didn’t work. I have no idea what’s going on and if I read this same sentence on more freakin time – that vein in my forebrain that’s been threatening to pop ever since I started grad school is finally going to kick the proverbial bucket. For any of you out there that are entering academia after getting your PhD – please remember what it felt like to be bitch-slapped by boredom. Remember that your work will be read by some poor, sleepless, starving first year grad student out there, and try to infuse some joviality into your work. Bitch-slap somebody with a little happy.

Ahem…frustration officially vented. I can now return to my usual sane, preachy, mentory self. (Yep, I’m still making up words. Look out for Merriam-Webster-NeuroScienceGeek: in stores this Christmas)

Article reading is a part of grad school. Reading in general is a part of grad school. Get used to it. It’ll only get better with practice. Of course, choosing a lab that is working on research that actually interests you is an extra special bonus – but everyone isn’t that lucky. I’ve been told to read the abstract, skip the intro and jump straight to results and discussion. Yeah…NO. Doesn’t work for me. My advice: start reading articles now and come up with your own strategy. Hopefully, by the time you arrive at your first year of graduate education, article reading won’t be such a chore. Trust me, if they weren’t paying me…it wouldn’t get done.

Until text time family, friends and beyond. I hope to post soon about my experience in my very first lab rotation. Cue ominous music now.

P.S. For any of you out there that suffer from insomnia – I HIGHLY recommend any one of Hodgkin and Huxley’s infamous neuro papers or “Thermal Asymmetric Interlaced PCR: Automatable Amplification and Sequencing of Insert End Fragments form P1 and YAC Clones for Chromosome Walking,” by Yao-Guang Liu. Best lab sleep I’ve ever had.

The Race of Spades

[I would like to preface this by saying that this blog is in no way affiliated with Purdue University, nor is it a reflection on or discussion about their current or future outreach endeavors in reference to diversity.]

I find myself unable to find an appropriate introduction for this particular topic. My high school English professors are cringing as I type this, I’m sure. Unfortunately, they’ll just have to cope with my seeming inability to write a constructive intro for a very volatile topic. Where do I begin…Ah yes…

It was recently brought to my attention, in an admittedly roundabout way, that I play “the race card” quote “all the time.” Sigh. Heavy sigh.

This comment prompted me to go back and examine how many times I’d actually played this “race card.” I didn’t know that I carried it with me, but apparently it occupies a space in my wallet unbeknownst to me. The comment, in all fairness, may have been made in a joking manner, but, nevertheless, it stimulated my gray matter and induced action potentials within various neurons…I’m sorry. Translation from nerd to English: it got me thinking.

I am black. I am a woman. I am a black woman (hear me roar) in a discipline dominated by white males. I am the only black student in my incoming class of PhD students - 1 of 33. I attend school in a predominately white, predominately right wing, conservative, republican community in which I only see 1, maybe 2, black people a day, if I’m lucky. Is it wrong that I would like to see other black women in male dominated labs or professions that somehow manage to eek out a living in a white, mostly right wing, conservative republican community? AAARRRGGGHHH! The frustration has me pulling out my hair. I could reintroduce one of those ugly, naked cats to fur with the strands that litter my bedroom floor alone.

So, with the unleashing of the aforementioned comment, I find myself at a loss. Who do I turn to? Who can I run to when I need to vent about someone making a comment about my locs (No, they do not stink, have you ever smelled them? Yes I do wash my hair, don't you?)? Am I to simply keep my frustrations to myself and not complain about the lack of Black people in not only my program, but programs across the country? Who do I discuss the state of race relations with, especially in terms of how this country views the current president? Who do I have conversations with about why it is not okay to say things like “don’t you listen to Jay-Z” to a person just because they are black? I’d like to have someone with whom to discuss what it means to be a black woman in the sciences these days. And I don't think I am asking for much.

So, with my whining sufficiently (but not summarily or even comprehensively) over with, I’ve decided that I am going to discuss it with you. Yes, you. Those of you out there that are reading this, prepare yourselves. Prepare your brethren for my apocalyptic wrath of taboo destruction. I wake up a black woman every morning and I go to bed a black woman every night. As long as that continues to happen, race will be a part of my life, my aesthetic, and my manifest. It will follow me around like a love sick freshman strung out on pheromones. So why should I be afraid to both embrace and discuss it, being that it is a part of who I am? I should not and I will not any longer.

I will not apologize because I make a “big deal” about there not being enough black people in my program. I will not apologize for questioning why people think that I know every famous black person that ever lived. I will not apologize for feeling the way I feel or for making those feelings known. I’ve always been told to be the change I want to see in the world. Well this is my very first big change. I want people to be able to discuss race openly. I want to be able to talk about race with people that look like me and people that don’t.

You may not be able to understand why this is important or why it matters at all, but don’t worry your pretty little head. You will.

P.S. I went to www.Purdue.edu and did a search for diversity. I unearthed the following link which you can use to make your own calculations and draw your own conclusions, should you desire to do so: http://www.purdue.edu/datadigest/pages/students/index.htm I think what you’ll find there is a wonderful testament to why I sometimes feel like a guppy in an ocean of bull sharks (i.e. the data showing the enrollment of 7639 graduate students in the fall 2009. 3% of those students were black. 0.4% of those students were classified as “American Indian.” who, I'm sure, feel even less at home than I do. I'd like for you to just take a moment and nibble on that tasty morsel of diversity knowledge.)