L is for the way you Look at me...

L is for the way you Look at me...

I have one word for you: Snow. Terrible, terrible, DASTARDLY snow. I hate how innocent it looks - like it's slowly floating down from on-high to lull you to sleep. Don't fall for it. It's a trap! Because of the snow, now frozen all along the sidewalk, I almost busted my arse 3 times today. It snowed last Wednesday. It snowed Friday night and most of Saturday. This morning (Monday) it was literally 8°F outside. This is the kind of weather that makes this girl want to throw on her thickest pajama pants with her thickets pairs of socks, wrap her hands around a steaming mug of hot cocoa (damn near scalding) and curl up on the couch with her boyfriend. This is the kind of weather that makes this particular nerd remember all too painfully that she’s left her significantly better, other half in North Carolina. 

For many masters or PhD seeking students, the long distance relationship (LDR) is a very serious reality. The decision to stay with the one you love, or go and pursue your dreams is never an easy one.  My boyfriend and I had numerous discussions about him staying in the city that we both loved, or journeying with me to the city (and I use the term loosely) of my dreams.  He chose to stay. I chose to go.

Do I regret the decision? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. Honestly, it depends on how my day went, how much I messed up in lab and how cold it is outside. Life would be easier if I had someone to come home to, if I had someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that everything would be okay. I think it goes without saying that my subzero toes would be happier as well. But there are those days when I stop and think about those women that gave up their hopes and their dreams for love. I think about how many women give up parts of who they are to allow their loved ones to attain their greatest desires. And then I think about the sacrifices that I would have made for my significant other and what kind of person that would’ve turned me into – bitter, angry and resentful.  

I’ll admit, there are some days when I find myself a little upset that my boyfriend didn’t come with me, and I’ll even offer that when he came to a final decision about what he was going to do – there was some resentment.  I spent a lot of time focusing on what I would have done for him, while not really considering that those hypothetical things had never been asked of me.  Sometimes, we need to understand that it isn’t fair to expect someone to do something for you simply because you would have done it.  It took me a few months to understand that.  It took me even longer to be okay with it. I had to recognize that his decision to stay in NC was what was best for him and that he did not love me any less. It’s quite possible that he loves me even more now – especially since the left side of his bed is just as cold as the right side of mine.  Difficult, arduous, extremely hard – none of it adequately describes what it means to go from waking up to the same persons face for 4 years to waking up to an empty side of the bed.  It’s like trying to perform open heart surgery with no training….on yourself….and no anesthesia…blindfolded…uphill both ways in the snow. (Too far? Okay, I’ll stop.)

The long distance relationship is a tricky thing. You can’t spend as much time on the phone as you’d like because work/homework/studying/reading/everything almost always gets in the way. Skype is a GODSEND – most notably on those days when you just really need to see a loved one’s face AND hear their voice. My boyfriend and I spend a lot of time on Skype, playing video games and watching movies together and we talk to each other every morning while he’s on his way to work and I’m on my way to class.  The talking may seem excessive – but I’ve been with this man for 5 years now, and we’ve woken up together, driven to work together and pretty much been in each other’s space like that for most of those years. It’d be weird to not talk to him.

So far I’ve seen him every month since I’ve been here, which makes the distance marginally less noticeable, but it’s still not enough for me. I miss my significantly better, other half and there aren’t enough doughnuts in the world to fill that particular hole. (Hehe – get it?)

The decision to embark upon a long distance relationship is hard as hell. It makes a hellish transition even more…hellish.  Not only do you have to contend with making new friends, passing classes and performing well in lab, now you’ve got the added pressure of maintaining a relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend. If ever it seems too tough, or the pressure becomes too much to bear, remember one very important thing: an education will always be there; the person that you love with all of your being may not be. Ask yourself which one you’d rather have. Do not base your decision on what could happen, but base it on what is. If you decide that you want to maintain that relationship – then be prepared to work just as hard at that as you do in the lab or in your classes.  Plan time with your significant other in the same way that you plan time for homework at the end of the day. Send him or her text messages throughout the day just to say hello. The cell phone is a wonderful little thing. Yes, it’s encroached on our lives like the Black Plague, but I can’t adequately explain how happy it makes me to look at my phone and see that my boyfriend has recently texted me. ESPECIALLY when I’m having a crappy day (which, let’s face it, is every day).

So far, that is what’s worked for us. I’d love to hear from you what some of your personal do’s (and don’ts) are.

Until next time!

(Look at me! Two posts in one 7-day period. Master of the clock, that’s me! Or is it mistress…)

Ask and you shall receive...an answer...

I betcha thought I forgot didn’t you? I have been busier than a chicken looking for its cleaved head – so posting on my blog has been at the bottom of my to-do list for the last few weeks. I have time for eating, sleeping and studying. If I’m lucky labbing (yes, labbing – look it up in my dictionary…) works its way in as well. My last post requested questions and I got a few which I will answer below. The answers may or may not be helpful to you, dear readers. If not, I will happily tender you a refund for the money you have paid to view this particular post.

What was the worst and best thing about your first day as a graduate student?

I consider my first day as a grad student to be the first day of orientation – though you may have been thinking of my first day of actual class. I will answer this from both perspectives. The first day of orientation was great because I finally got to meet my peers. I was excited because it was the beginning of a new phase of my life – I would be surrounded by fellow science geeks. I was, (danger: exciting language ahead) SUPER STOKED.  The worst part was, unfortunately, realizing that the sort of acceptance I craved as an undergrad would be the same sort of acceptance I craved as a graduate student. We go through life looking for those that “get” us. I found those people in NC. I left most of them in NC. It was a sobering day for me.

My first day of class was terrible because I had to get up before Jesus to be in Biochemistry on time. It was great because, well, how many of us can say that we got up before Jesus?

What would have made the transition easier?

Transitioning from NC to Indiana would have been easier if I’d scooped up Purdue and placed it in NC. Honestly, I don’t know that anything could have made it easier. I think the difficulty of transitioning is part of the process. The only way the transition would have been easy is if I hadn’t found and made a home in NC. I think the worst part was when my boyfriend got in his car and made the 12 hour drive back home. I’m a crier. When he left I didn’t cry. I sat and stared. I think his departure left me a little broken. Now that I think about it, the one thing that would have made it all easier was…vodka. Lots and lots of vodka.

In what way were your expectations met? What disappointed you?

Most of the people at Purdue are always willing to help. The person that stands out for me is the director of interdisciplinary graduate programs on campus. She has always made time to talk to me. She sat with me while I cried about missing home. She offered me advice on mentors that could help me really be successful here. She provided me with open and honest guidance – and not once did she ever make me feel like I was wasting her time. She did these things because she genuinely cares about the students she recruits to this university. If I take nothing else from this university, I will always carry her compassion with me.

As many of you know by now, there are many things that disappointed me about coming here, but the number one thing is the quality of teaching, which is something I plan to discuss extensively in a future post. I’ve no doubt that the instructors here are great SCIENTISTS, but being a great scientist does not necessarily make one a great teacher. As I told my boyfriend the other day, if doing something made you great at teaching it, then professional basketball players would become professional coaches – and how often do we see that?

Is there a forum you can access to help improve grad school for next year's incoming class? Should the school assign mentors to newbies?

I don’t know if there’s a forum available, but I do know that the PULSe program has a student council that has openly welcomed our questions, concerns and thoughts. Every year they solicit information from the most recent class for making the incoming class’ life easier. I don’t know if the graduate school itself assigns mentors, but my program assigned each of the students in my class with a mentor. My mentor is awesome. We’ve met a couple of times thus far, and she’s been really instrumental in helping me adjust. She’s boisterous and fun and reminds me of home.

Can you start a support group so no more students feel as alone as you sometimes feel?

Support group? But that’s what the blog is for! Starting a support group may not be necessary given the many resources that I’m slowly discovering are available on campus. If I was to start a support group, it wouldn’t be until during or after my 3^rd year. This gig is hard work. The absolute last thing I want to do at the end of the day (after sitting in poorly taught classes and slaving away on experiments that always seem to go crazy in annoyingly different ways) is think about getting an entirely new program off the ground. I would like to use what I learn from my experiences to help prepare other first years for what grad school is really like, but, as always, the question is when? For now, I just need to find the time/courage to go and participate in one such group already made available to me.

Questions? Comments? Snarky Replies?

I had a brilliant thought today. So brilliant in fact, that I had to spring up from my temporary graduate student desk, thrust my arms into the sky, tilt me head back at an awkward (and painful) angle and shout - MUAHAHAHAHA! (Please  note: scientists typically do this once every few hours. It wakes up sleeping undergrads and boosts the morale of fellow lab members)

I decided today that it would be beneficial to you, the world (and by the world I mean Mom, Dad, Boyfriend, and Friends - aka my faithful followers), to offer up some questions of your own that I might seek out the answers to. My experiences can't possibly cover every minute detail of graduate school. The point of this blog is to answer questions for future graduate students out there. I can't do that if I do not know what those questions are. So, as long as I don't start receiving crazy, mean-spirited, uninformed comments - I'm leaving anonymous posts open for those of you too shy out there to leave your names. Ask me any question regarding graduate school, life as a student, etc, and I will try my very best to find the answer and report back to headquarters.

Until next time, dear readers, I bid you adieu.

If you're happy and you know it...take a shot!

So, it occurred to me overnight in my infrequent conversations with the Sandman that my blogs are starting to take on a negative nancy (Nathanial? Natasha? Noob?) kind of tone. It got me thinking that maybe I should write about the positives of graduate school.

Thus far I’ve discovered a new donut shop, which, I believe, is my personal gift from God. It’s His way of saying “grad school will suck more often than not. Have a donut to dull the pain.” In all seriousness, I’ve learned a lot in the last few weeks. I may not be performing as well in my classes as I’d like, or meshing with my peers as much as I’d like, but I am learning. And of those people that I have met and that I have befriended, they are amazing.

We all know that classes have the tendency to be dry and boring. Almost nothing changes when you get to graduate school. Most of my learning happens in the lab. I’ve had the pleasure of growing real live cancer cells and watching them shuck and gyrate underneath the microscope. I’ve recently done my first western blot and may even get the chance to engage is mass spec analysis. My principal investigator even told me that depending on the outcome of my project – there’s a very strong possibility for authorship on a paper, which is a big freakin deal! For those of you out there that have no background in science – just trust me: it’s awesome!  I’m surrounded every single day by people that are willing to teach me amazing things. It’s a blessing.

I’ve met people from Singapore (my room-mate), Germany, India, the Phillipines, etc. That’s one of the best things about Purdue, in my opinion – getting the chance to meet people from all across the globe.  I’ve met Boilermakers that bleed Black and Gold. It’s amazing that this tiny corner of Indiana can house so many people that have such spirit and excitement when it comes to Purdue University.

A few weeks ago, I got to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show for the very first time – acted out in front of a big screen. I will never forget that night (Great Scott!).  Tomorrow evening I’m going to my very first poetry slam (in which I wanted to perform, but am too chicken to do so).

It may seem like a paltry list in comparison to how much I’ve ranted about being sad and depressed here. But I am trying to be more positive. So I guess that’s the take away from today’s short (but sweet!) post – try to find the things that make you happy and focus on them.  I’m trying to make my weeks bearable by focusing on the things that I can get lost in – like poetry and movies.  Maybe from now on I’ll temper every frustrating aspect of my day with a positive, bubbly and uplifting one. I must admit that I am a pessimist to my very core so, we’ll see how long this new “focus on the creamy goodness in the middle Geek” lasts.

Until next time readers. 

The Pursuit of Happiness (Geek Edition)

Hooo-weee biochemistry is kicking my butt! We’re already 10 days into this beautiful month and I have barely had time to even think about a blog post! My new lab occupies a large chunk of my time hoard, and by the time I get home the last thing I want to do is read a chapter. Needless to say, I’ve fallen behind – but I’m catching up. Who needs sleep anyway?

The real reason for this post, ladies and gents, is doubt. Doubt is a soul sucking leech upon the soul of defenseless graduate students. It makes us weary. It makes us weep. It makes us stop by McDonalds and grab an application mere seconds after deciding that flipping “beef” burgers all day is WAY better than pursuing  a masters or a PhD. I like to call doubt the silent dream killer. It’s very difficult to know when doubt has infected your life. It’s even harder to distinguish it from genuine unhappiness. This is the problem I find myself running into every single day (cue tiny violin).

For the past few weeks I’ve found myself questioning my desire to pursue science. If you were to ask me if I loved biology, I’d say yes. But the real question is do I hunger for it? I don’t have a periodic chart for a shower curtain (though I am actually the proud owner of a Virginia Tech Hokie edition periodic table- scaled down to fit in my wallet).  I don’t have a cancerous tumor painstakingly stenciled onto my ceiling (because, let’s face it, that’s creepy) nor do I have every amino acid tattooed on my inner arm (mostly because I’m sure that violates an honor code somewhere…). What I do have is a never-ending headache, a bed that serves no purpose because sleep is a foreign concept to me these days, and an incurable case of what may or may not be doubt. 

 I came to graduate school because I wanted to teach at the college level and beyond. I find myself making up lesson plans, coming up with ways to keep students engaged, lab experiments that I think students would love. I find myself critiquing my current professors teaching styles and trying to use what they do to make myself a better teacher. I want to teach. I want to mentor. I want to someday influence educational policy so that it benefits our students.  But, at the end of every day, I ask myself if science is necessary for me to do that.  It could be that I’m just stressed. It could be that I miss my boyfriend and my family and friends. It could be anything.

If any of you out there find yourself feeling like this – ask yourself if you could honestly wake up every day for the rest of your life and face science (or politics, business,  or whatever your chosen field may be) like it’s the best thing since stripper poles in the bedroom.  Whatever your particular situation may be, you have to try to stop and take a deep breath and deeply examine your situation. Determine if you are just slightly depressed or if you've chosen the wrong path for yourself.  If you’re currently enrolled in the first year of your program, give it until the end of the school year.  If you are considering graduate school, take the time to really examine why you're considering it. Talk to graduate students about what life is like and ask them to be honest with you about everything - the courseloads, advisor/student interactions, free time - EVERYTHING. Whatever path your are choosing or considering switching to, expose yourself to it. If you want to be a writer, take a creative writing class. If you want to professor - shadow a professor for a day and ask them about the work that went into making them a professor. Whoever or whatever you want to be when you grow up - attempt to expose yourself to it. 

As always, you should talk to someone about how you feel before you make any committed decisions. The best way to rid yourself of dark and gloomy thoughts is to expel them. Talk to a counselor, a mentor, a friend and get your thoughts out – the good and the bad. Remember: no one can make this decision for you. Not a parent, not a friend, not a significant other. At the end of the day you have to wake up every day and face the consequences of the decisions you’ve made – good or bad. Good consequences are otherwise known as achievements. When you accept the honor for them, do you want to say, “my Mom made me do it,” or do you want to say “that was ALL me. I’m me-tastic.” This is YOUR life. Maybe you should live it. 

I am personally waiting until May 2011 to make any final decisions. Who knows? Maybe one day you’ll return to my site and find a woman that calls herself SciFiGeek or CancerBioGeek or just Geek.  It's just grad school, it isn't the end of the world. If I stay, I stay. If not, well then...HELLO STARBUCKS!

The key here is happiness. It always is, and it always will be. It is not in the pursuit of it that we prosper. It is in the ownership of it. The experience of it. And the desire to have it forever in our lives.  

I leave you with 2 quotes. I’m feeling particularly quotey today:

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

“Every time we choose safety, we reinforce fear.” – Cheri Huber