Reading is “for”damental…

I am so SICK of reading. Which, if you don’t know me, is saying a lot. It’s a travesty, if you will. I love to read. I read just about anything I can get my hands on. I’m the girl that spends her summers reading classical novels. I read Les Miserables, for fun, and loved it. I fully intend to read it again. But, as I sit here in my lab reading yet another snorool (that’s snore and drool together folks) inducing article, I can’t help but whip out ye olde blogge and vent my frustration. Do scientists have to be so terribly dry? I’ve been reading an 8 page paper for 1.5 hours now. I’m sure I’ve fallen asleep at least 3 times. I tried blasting rock music in my ears to keep me awake – didn’t work. I tried reading the paper out loud to myself – didn’t work. I have no idea what’s going on and if I read this same sentence on more freakin time – that vein in my forebrain that’s been threatening to pop ever since I started grad school is finally going to kick the proverbial bucket. For any of you out there that are entering academia after getting your PhD – please remember what it felt like to be bitch-slapped by boredom. Remember that your work will be read by some poor, sleepless, starving first year grad student out there, and try to infuse some joviality into your work. Bitch-slap somebody with a little happy.

Ahem…frustration officially vented. I can now return to my usual sane, preachy, mentory self. (Yep, I’m still making up words. Look out for Merriam-Webster-NeuroScienceGeek: in stores this Christmas)

Article reading is a part of grad school. Reading in general is a part of grad school. Get used to it. It’ll only get better with practice. Of course, choosing a lab that is working on research that actually interests you is an extra special bonus – but everyone isn’t that lucky. I’ve been told to read the abstract, skip the intro and jump straight to results and discussion. Yeah…NO. Doesn’t work for me. My advice: start reading articles now and come up with your own strategy. Hopefully, by the time you arrive at your first year of graduate education, article reading won’t be such a chore. Trust me, if they weren’t paying me…it wouldn’t get done.

Until text time family, friends and beyond. I hope to post soon about my experience in my very first lab rotation. Cue ominous music now.

P.S. For any of you out there that suffer from insomnia – I HIGHLY recommend any one of Hodgkin and Huxley’s infamous neuro papers or “Thermal Asymmetric Interlaced PCR: Automatable Amplification and Sequencing of Insert End Fragments form P1 and YAC Clones for Chromosome Walking,” by Yao-Guang Liu. Best lab sleep I’ve ever had.

The Race of Spades

[I would like to preface this by saying that this blog is in no way affiliated with Purdue University, nor is it a reflection on or discussion about their current or future outreach endeavors in reference to diversity.]

I find myself unable to find an appropriate introduction for this particular topic. My high school English professors are cringing as I type this, I’m sure. Unfortunately, they’ll just have to cope with my seeming inability to write a constructive intro for a very volatile topic. Where do I begin…Ah yes…

It was recently brought to my attention, in an admittedly roundabout way, that I play “the race card” quote “all the time.” Sigh. Heavy sigh.

This comment prompted me to go back and examine how many times I’d actually played this “race card.” I didn’t know that I carried it with me, but apparently it occupies a space in my wallet unbeknownst to me. The comment, in all fairness, may have been made in a joking manner, but, nevertheless, it stimulated my gray matter and induced action potentials within various neurons…I’m sorry. Translation from nerd to English: it got me thinking.

I am black. I am a woman. I am a black woman (hear me roar) in a discipline dominated by white males. I am the only black student in my incoming class of PhD students - 1 of 33. I attend school in a predominately white, predominately right wing, conservative, republican community in which I only see 1, maybe 2, black people a day, if I’m lucky. Is it wrong that I would like to see other black women in male dominated labs or professions that somehow manage to eek out a living in a white, mostly right wing, conservative republican community? AAARRRGGGHHH! The frustration has me pulling out my hair. I could reintroduce one of those ugly, naked cats to fur with the strands that litter my bedroom floor alone.

So, with the unleashing of the aforementioned comment, I find myself at a loss. Who do I turn to? Who can I run to when I need to vent about someone making a comment about my locs (No, they do not stink, have you ever smelled them? Yes I do wash my hair, don't you?)? Am I to simply keep my frustrations to myself and not complain about the lack of Black people in not only my program, but programs across the country? Who do I discuss the state of race relations with, especially in terms of how this country views the current president? Who do I have conversations with about why it is not okay to say things like “don’t you listen to Jay-Z” to a person just because they are black? I’d like to have someone with whom to discuss what it means to be a black woman in the sciences these days. And I don't think I am asking for much.

So, with my whining sufficiently (but not summarily or even comprehensively) over with, I’ve decided that I am going to discuss it with you. Yes, you. Those of you out there that are reading this, prepare yourselves. Prepare your brethren for my apocalyptic wrath of taboo destruction. I wake up a black woman every morning and I go to bed a black woman every night. As long as that continues to happen, race will be a part of my life, my aesthetic, and my manifest. It will follow me around like a love sick freshman strung out on pheromones. So why should I be afraid to both embrace and discuss it, being that it is a part of who I am? I should not and I will not any longer.

I will not apologize because I make a “big deal” about there not being enough black people in my program. I will not apologize for questioning why people think that I know every famous black person that ever lived. I will not apologize for feeling the way I feel or for making those feelings known. I’ve always been told to be the change I want to see in the world. Well this is my very first big change. I want people to be able to discuss race openly. I want to be able to talk about race with people that look like me and people that don’t.

You may not be able to understand why this is important or why it matters at all, but don’t worry your pretty little head. You will.

P.S. I went to www.Purdue.edu and did a search for diversity. I unearthed the following link which you can use to make your own calculations and draw your own conclusions, should you desire to do so: http://www.purdue.edu/datadigest/pages/students/index.htm I think what you’ll find there is a wonderful testament to why I sometimes feel like a guppy in an ocean of bull sharks (i.e. the data showing the enrollment of 7639 graduate students in the fall 2009. 3% of those students were black. 0.4% of those students were classified as “American Indian.” who, I'm sure, feel even less at home than I do. I'd like for you to just take a moment and nibble on that tasty morsel of diversity knowledge.)

When the world comes crashing down…

Take a break and marvel as it crumbles around you. Okay, that’s terrible. I tried for profound and wound up with harbinger of doom-ish. At 730 AM this wonderful Saturday morning I rolled out of bed and over to my desk, hastily grabbed my Biochemistry book and settled in with my hot pink highlighter to begin a fantastical journey into the world of amino acids. Doesn’t get any better than that, kids. This is what my life has become and what it will be for the next year or so. I wake up, I go to class. I come home, I do work for class. I “weekend” and by that I mean study. I roll out of bed just to study. We do what we must for the things we want out of life, but sometimes I take it too far. And yes, I am using weekend as a verb. I can do that I’m a grad student.

Earlier in the week plans were made with a few friends to take a day trip. We wound up in Indianapolis, Indiana. I packed the essentials – a sweater if I got cold, comfy shoes for my aching feet, gum for stinky breath, Carmex for parched lips, my biochemistry book for light reading, an article (or two…okay three) for EXTRA light reading and a notebook for question answering. I tried reading on the way to Indy. My brain rebelled like a frat boy the night after a keg-stand binge. It finally dawned on me – my brain needed a break! It was overflowing with the vast world of neurobiology that it’d been forced into. It was crying for release. My temple literally drummed out the beat to “stop dogging me around (please just leave me alone).” I put the work away and had fun. For the first time in days.

We visited the Indianapolis Zoo and petted sharks. We stopped by the Indianapolis Museum of Art and had a “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” moment. We visited a local cultural district and had Mexican for dinner. We laughed, we joked, we took an exorbitant (yes, exorbitant. That GRE prep finally paid off) amount of pictures. I had fun. I gave my brain a break. And, now, as I sit on my living room futon and type this out – my brain feels much better. It absorbed the info, finally.

Moral of the story – don’t spend ALL of your time studying. Leave your books at home, your articles, your highlighters and your notebooks and spend a day in sheer mindlessness. Take a day to not learn. It’s just one day, and, if you’ve budgeted time accordingly and studied as you should, it’ll only be one day. Besides, there’s always tomorrow. At least until December 21,2012….we’ll see about tomorrow then.

What's that thing where you close your eyes and don't think for a few hours called again?

Today was a long and somewhat disheartening day. I’ve never seen so many papers and had so much information crammed down my throat at one time in my life. And boring doesn’t even begin to cover the quality of the articles I am currently abrading my eyeballs with. Not to mention the fact that I missed my bus, again, after darting out into the street, risking life and limb, and sprinting through a crosswalk only to have the pompous bus driver thumb her nose at me, stick out her tongue, wiggle her fingers and say (and this is a direct quote) “nyah, nyah, nyahnyah, nyah.” I swear….true story.

I arrived home only to discover that I was too lazy to cook. I was unable to convince even myself that the excuse of “having too much work to do” was reason enough order Domino’s Pizza, but I did it anyway. I sat. I stared. I thought about thinking about studying. I stared some more. I watched my computer screen anxiously as the Domino’s Pizza online tracker foretold the arrival of intestinal stimulation. I finally managed to corral the neural troops and focus enough to study cellular neurobiology AND biochemistry. So far this week I’ve received 2 homework handouts forcing me to answer questions about organic chemistry and general chemistry – two courses that I happily buried beneath rocks in my memory graveyard. I’ve received 2 papers for cellular neurobiology that must be read by Tuesday. My prof even gift wrapped them with 15 questions for which the answers must be typed and turned in on Tuesday. I must also prepare for detailed discussion of my answers and my thoughts on the articles….for Tuesday. I start my very first rotation on September 1^st. I had a lab meeting about it this morning and everything. As a fringe benefit – I get to read 5 more papers concerning Na⁺ and H⁺ antiporter membrane pumps. Fun, fun, fun. I’ve never been this excited…Though, that rectal exam comes in a close second.

I thought time management was for those pansies in med school. I am dismayed at the amount of time I have poured into studying this week only to feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. But I think that 2 hours of cellular neurobiology and 3 hours of biochemistry is pretty good for one 24 hour period. I’ve even put myself on a system of reading 2 article pages per hour. I should be done with all of my current articles by 2015 – just in time for graduation.

In short boys and girls, you will be tired. You will be beat. You will shake your fists at the sky and demand, “why!” You will question what the hell made you choose to pursue a PhD. Take whatever you are thinking about the caliber of work required for graduate studies and double it. Better yet, triple it. Class just started on August 23^rd. It’s got to get better right? No, seriously…I need an answer.

It’s called grad SCHOOL for a reason boys and girls…

Since last entry I’ve managed to navigate the mean streets of south central West Lafayette, IN, watch dumbfounded as my bus passed me by (4 times at last count), and not be murdered by my roommate. All in all it has turned out to be a decent month.

Orientation was last week (all week long) and let me tell you it is not for the faint of heart! It was about as fun as a rectal exam. I don’t know about you, but being up before Jesus is not my idea of a good time! I and my cohort spent the bulk of the week running back and forth from pointless session to pointless session with a few faculty interviews in between. And by faculty interviews I mean meetings with potential labs. If the program you choose happens to be in the biological or interdisciplinary life sciences – there is a very strong possibility that you will have to complete rotations (usually 2 per semester). The PULSe program requires that incoming first year graduate students interview AT LEAST 5 faculty members to determine 1.) if their research is stimulating enough to spend 7 weeks in their lab and 2.) if you like the PI enough to endure being in their lab for 7 weeks. (HEADS UP PEOPLE! ADVICE AHEAD) The whole point of rotating through multiple labs is to make sure you find the perfect home for the next 5-7 years. Rotations ensure that you like the research in the lab you’ve chosen, that you like the people currently in the lab, that you like the PI, and so on. It is a 7 week long interview. TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!!!! And as a bonus – any work you do that generates scientifically relevant data can be put into an article that you can be a co-author on! HOW FREAKIN AWESOME IS THAT!? Calm down, it isn’t that awesome (please note the sarcastic tone…)

I must say that I have run into some major issues trying to find a home. If you are a senior in college who is hoping to go to XYZ University for its stellar research in XYZ department – do NOT hesitate to ask any professor you are interested in working with about their funding situation. I repeat do NOT hesitate to ask any professor you are interested in working with about their funding situation. PI’s have to pay grad students out of grant money. If there is no grant money, or grant money is running low, you will be unable to work with your PI or PIs of choice. I learned this the hard way. I didn’t have anyone to tell me how to really navigate grad school (recruitment weekends included). Grad schools invite you to recruitment weekend because they want you. They bring out the shiniest of students and the “fine china” that’s always heard about but never seen. They feed you, put you up in pretty hotels, and pay for your flight – the whole gamut. They want you and they will do whatever it takes to get you – including shake their moneymakers. EVERY school wants what they consider to be the crème de la crème. If they invite you to recruitment - you, my friend, are the crème. Recognize your worth and know that you have the right to ask any question you want.

I did not know this. I chose a school that had 3 professors that were actively engaged in research DIRECTLY linked to what I wanted to study and others who I could tolerably learn from. Only one was up front with me about his funding situation. You have the right to ask professors about funding situations – especially if you are picking XYZ University because of them. When you go to recruitment and you meet with the people who will be your colleagues for the next 5-7 years – ask them how their ongoing research projects mesh with rotation schedules. Ask them about money: do they have it, will they be getting more of it, and when will they potentially be running out of it. You don’t want to choose a school and choose a lab only to have said lab run out of money halfway through your project. Ask them what the future directions of their research entails. Ask them about techniques they are currently using in the lab. You should even ask the graduate students how long it took them to generate data that was meaningful enough to give them a paper with first authorship. PhD programs in the sciences pay you for a reason. You are an employee. You have the right to know about where you will be working for the next 5 or so years.

I say all this because I didn’t ask these questions. I didn’t have anyone around me to tell me to ask these questions. Hopefully someone will be able to walk away from this in a better position than I am in today. I would like to state that this is in no way a fault of the PULSe program. My program has no way of knowing which professors have money which ones don’t. There are over 400 labs conducting research on Purdue’s main campus alone. I simply was not educated in the ways of grad school. I am now, and hopefully, so are you.