Wednesday, March 30, 2011 so freakin' close!

It’s done.

The program has been alerted, my one potential lab has been alerted. I’m sure everyone in my cohort knows at this point, not that their knowing is at all important.

I’m leaving. Moving on. Going home. Blowing der popsicle stand.  And all that anyone can ask me is, “why?" and "what are you going to do?”

Well, for starters, I’m going to reintroduce my pasty white (black) flesh to sunlight through copious usage of shorts, skirts, sleeveless tops and sandals – something that is anathema in any reputable lab – and I only deal with labs of repute my friends. Next, I’m going to lay out by the pool and do and think about nothing. But, most importantly I’m not going to do this.  

I’ve decided to leave. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. It’s not like there’s some random person sitting outside on one of Purdue’s many corners handing out tickets to life. I’ll know what I’m doing when I get there.  The possibilities, much like the inherent stupidity of our government, are endless.

That being said – I feel like I’m 10 again. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Well, when does one officially “grow-up?” Only time will tell.

I could be a pastry chef and open a kick-ass sinfully decadent bakery.

I could go to law school and be a lawyer as sexy as Hank Moody's defense attorney.

I could go back to school and get a degree in English.

Or maybe one in Political Science (shudders – science).

Or maybe I’ll just kick back and relax for a bit, replenish the old pool of self confidence. Rediscover who I am.

This year has stripped me bare. Graduate school has a way of creeping in and eroding the very fiber of your being. It’s a silent killer. Aided only by the astounding ability of civilized people to pounce on their peers at their weakest moments.

I have got a month left here, and I can’t say that I’ll be terribly sorry to see the end of this journey or the end to explaining why I’m leaving. (Because I can. Because I want to. Just, because.)
Though, thanks to my mother and her brilliance, I can now fire back with “why are you staying?” I don’t think anyone has legitimately stopped to ask this question. Or, what’s more, if the answer is even worth it.


  1. Well I have to say. I have been following your Blog for the last 8 months and I for one am going to be disappointed when I can no longer read your stories of Grad School. Reading them helped me feel like I was not alone in my struggle.

  2. I'm glad the blog helped you! You don't know how much that means. The PI for the lab I was interested in introduced me to There might be more angst-ridden 20-somethings out there to help you through your time in school. Good luck to you and I hope your education fares much better than mine!

  3. Oh Kristen, I empathize 100%. I think I would've left my first year too if not for my own stubbornness and pride.

    And I still don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up.


  4. Hey Maris! After the somewhat negative feedback about my plans, I've gotten increasingly positive comments/remarks from a lot of people. Everyone has been so helpful and nice. It definitely makes it a lot easier.

    I'm (selfishly) glad your pride and stubbornness prevented you from leaving. If it hadn't, you wouldn't have been here to help me :) At least you're getting a degree out of the deal right! Hopefully both of us discover who/what we want to be when we grow up sooner rather than later.