Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Remember: it's very important to button your pants

I know you all have been anxiously checking your phones, inboxes and Facebook pages – eagerly awaiting the arrival of the blog detailing my adventures as a newly minted member of the work force.  Brace yourselves people – you are about to delve into the vast depths of a brilliant, nearly mind shattering…mind

I give you: Newly Minted Member of the Work Force takes on office orientation module day!

9:05 – What!? The radio doesn’t work? What the f*ck am I supposed to listen to now?

9:10 – Begins humming most awesome theme song of all time – dum dum dum dum dadum dum dadum. [An octave higher now] dum dum dum dum dadum dum dadum. (There, now you’ll have it stuck in your heads all day).

(And by the way, the song is linked here in case you didn't catch it)

9:12 – Mmmm…Chai tea. Very robust, indeed. Note to self: try green tea at lunch.

9:20 – Manager (who is perfecting her skills as a future assassin) scares the hell out of me by sneaking into my cube. 

9:21 – Note to self: if customer turns out to be wrong refer them to www.notalwaysright.com Lessons must be learned.

9:20 – Revelation! Office orientation modules always have pictures that follow the same recipe
1 person of color – black or Hispanic. Preferably female with curly hair to further ambiguity of race
1 Asian – male or female (most people think they all look alike anyway)
1 Nondescript brown person that draws the eye, forcing the viewer to ask him or herself – is he from the Middle East? Spain? Egypt? Did he just come back from a beach vacation?
1 -2 white people, usually (if not preferably) male. This does two things – ensures that women know they’ll never break the glass ceiling, while giving them some nice WASPy flesh to fixate upon.
Note; Any person of color should be smiling. It creates a feeling of familiarity and  rids the viewer of any initial feelings of distrust.

9:25 – I begin to fantasize about gouging out my eyes with a hot spoon thereby preventing further torture at the hands of the diabolical office module device.

9: 49 – Cicade flies into window. I briefly toy with the idea of pledging my immortal soul to one in exchange for his aid in my escape.

9:54 – Have my pants been unbuttoned this entire time?

10:00 – F*ck! It’s only 10!?

10:25 – Thanks to inconsiderate employees who congregate outside of my cubicle for their daily (and extensive) water cooler chats I learned that placing a Dixie cup over your newborn boys… ahem, manlihood, will thwart his nefarious plan of peeing on you as soon as the diaper comes off.

10:26 – I plot the demise of Water Kooler and the Gang.

12:47 – Finally receive work from sneaky manager.

2:15 – Random, nondescript, flour colored male walks over and introduces himself

2:24 – Tries to remember individuals name and figure out why he had such a funny look on his fa – OH MY GOD HAVE MY PANTS BEEN UNBUTTONED, IN PLAIN VIEW OF THE FREE WORLD, THIS ENTIRE FREAKING TIME!?

2:47 – Remembers to try green tea. Thoughts:
Holy Shit that’s green
Why is it so funky looking? Like split pea soup? Who the hell thought to split peas anyway? I guess the same person who thought of pulling on the dangly bits of a soy bean…..Wait, I was doing something.

2:48 – Tea finishes. I sniff it. Thoughts:
                That smells like wheat grass and ass.
                Ass grass.
                Wheaty ass grass – yep, that’s it.  

2:49 – I taste it anyway. Thoughts:
                Oh God. That tastes exactly how I imagined wheaty ass grass would taste!

2:49.5 – I add sugar (A tablespoon or ten). Taste. Thoughts:
                Oh sweet Lord, now it just tastes like sweet wheaty ass grass. People actually drink this shit?

2:53 – Douse mastication/consumption vessel in water.

3:34 – Taste green tea again. Why do I keep doing this to myself.

4:00 – Liberation of the weekend persuasion. 

Moral of this story, readers? Be careful with post lunch gestation liberation (otherwise known as the release of the post lunch food gut) and never, under any circumstances, should you ever drink green tea.


  1. This is the funniest damned thing I think I've read all year.

  2. Oh my Kristen what an experience, a knee slapping experience! lmbo!!!